A Song of Brick and Lava: How would Bowser survive in the Game of Thrones universe?

House Koopa is coming for The Iron Throne. Source

The premise is basic.  Bowser a.k.a King Koopa a.k.a. Dennis Hopper of the Super Mario Bros. franchise squeezes his impossibly huge body down the wrong green pipe one day and finds himself in the awesomely harsh fantasy world of A Song of Ice and Fire--better known by it's television name Game of Thrones.  Written by professional sadist George R.R. Martin everything about the land of Westeros brutally subverts what we've come to expect from a fantasy novel.  It's less elves, fairies, and hidden treasures and more political scheming, backstabbing, and incest--lots and lots of incest. 

"I will take what is mine with fire and bomb-ombs!"

Now Bowser may lack the needed Machiavellian nature for properly navigating the perilous political proceedings of Westeros, but surely he has enough brute force to make some kind of impact.  How far will The King of all Koopas get?  It all depends on that one thing which for some reason is said three times: location, location, location.

Scenario #1:  Bowser starts off with a day in Braavos.  I'll give him a little entourage to travel with let's say a couple of Hammer Bros.  Not an army, but a nice little posse to watch Bowser's back as the streets of Braavos would be dangerous at night.

 Too bad for him the Braavosi are a sword loving people so Bowser loses the Hammer Bros. from the get go.  A Braavosi merchant watching the unusual trio pass by from his boat shouts, "Hey you two with the hammers want to be blacksmiths on my boat shop here?  We'll make and sell weapons right here on my boat!  I'll pay you in silver and boat-whores!"  Realizing their current master Bowser pays them in...nothing, silver and boat-whores sound major appealing.  The Bros. take off leaving King Koopa defenseless.  Not a very bro move, but hey. 

Suddenly Bowser comes to a frightening realization.  Braavos you see is not one island but many.  Canals and channels wrap around the cities, folks travel by boat shouting and trading with each other. King Koopa is in a land that might as well be medieval Venice, the origin point of his nemesis Super Mario.  Worse yet Braaovsi males tend to be mustachio dudes who love to challenge one another to duels.  One look at them and the turtle king will have flashbacks to all the embarrassing defeats he had to an Italian plumber.  It's only a matter of time before a guy who looks like Mario comes along, takes offense to his reptilian appearance, and puts a blade in his eye.  There are parts not far from Braavos where the screams of a giant horned river turtle are deemed a divine blessing.  In this case it'll be the sound of a lone king dying.

Imagine a city full of Syrio Forels.  Bowser is screwed. Source

Game Over Bowser.

Scenario #2:  Bowser sets his sights high and decides he's going to take King's Landing.  A powerful and populated city like this is going to take an army to siege it.  So we'll give Bowser that massive army. We're talking Goombas, Koopas, those blue wizards guys, and of course bomb-ombs, numbering in the thousands.  Here The King of all Koopas has managed to capture himself some female royalty as a Bowser is wont to do--only he made a huge mistake.  The woman he kidnapped is no princess but a queen--Queen Cersei Lannister to be exact. Mario won't be coming to save her--that will be up to her twin brother/lover Jamie Lannister.

Did I mention Jamie's absolutely mental with that damn sword? Source

The fields run red with blood, turtle shells, and the broken glasses of those blue wizard guys as the crimson red, lion-crested banners of the richest family in Westeros, the Lannisters, clash with Bowser & co.  Bomb-ombs are blowing themselves up on Bowser's side, as the Lannisters have alchemist throwing jars of green wildfire on their end.  Archer's shoot winged Goombas out of the sky while Koopas retreat in their shells in confusion.  Things go from bad to worse for Bowser when Jamie Lannister, on horseback, gets close enough to him to shout,

     "Unhand the queen and accept my challenge to single combat!"  King Koopa drops Cercei and responds with,
     "BWAHAHAHA!" because 1. He's not a very well developed character and 2. He has no idea he's about to mess with the greatest swordsman in Westeros. If a rotund plumber can give him a run for his gold coin, then Jamie Lannister will make turtle soup out of him.  Side stepping a flame attack or two, Jamie slips in close enough to stick his blade right through the reptile's scaly chin.  Bowser falls backward, moves his bowels, and dies.  A Song of Ice and Fire must always remind us, everybody poops.

Game Over Bowser

Scenario #3:

700 hundred feet high, Bowser finds himself on top of The Wall, an incredible, icy structure built to keep all that is evil, frightening, and monstrous on the other side, away from the good folks of Westeros. The Wall is further guarded by The Brothers of the Nights Watch who loyally patrol the harsh winter land for the reward of never getting to have sex (it's complicated).  One of the most noble--Jon Snow--bastard of House Stark--also noble--finds himself facing down King Koopa, carefully balancing himself as to not fall off The Wall.  Ice melts under the scaled behemoth's flame breath causing the normally nimble Jon Snow to slip.  Snow, fallen but ever vigilante holds forth his sword Longclaw.
With chilled breath so thick it rivals Bowser's flames he shouts "I don't know how you climbed this wall or whether you are a Grumpkin or Snark, but I will let you go no further!"
  Most unfortunate Jon did not bring along with him his powerful direwolf companion Ghost.  It looks like Bowser has this fight...until he decides to finish his opponent with that dumbass down-B attack from Super Smash Bros. He misses Jon Snow by a foot and ends up falling 700 feet to his death, because that's what that attack is good for.

Game Over Bowser

In Conclusion: Bowser is too cartoonish and silly to survive the scary world of Game of Thrones.  His best bet would be to travel to The Free Cities, seek Daenrys Targaryen, Mother of all Dragon, and pledge fealty.  He is a ginger-turtle-dragon after all and I'm sure she'd love to have one of those at her side.  Or better yet he could stay in Westeros.  All he has to do is rock that cat upgrade from Super Mario 3D World and beg the lion-loving-Lannisters to be their mascot.

"The Lannisters let me poop inside!  In a golden pot too!" Source

Catherine--a Tale of Two Women

Catherine--you're pretty much her bitch.  Source

As any good stand up comedian can tell you, marriage is the end of everything--ever!  With this I present Atlus's Catherine.  You play as Vincent Brooks, a lovable loser just trying to get by in modern society.  You know this guy, unmotivated with a messy bachelor pad, and yet friendly and harmless enough to hang out with on a Friday night.  Plus it's impossible to say Vincent's dreams are completely crushed--a poster of a Space Tourism company is on his wall; fantasies of travel and true freedom persist. 

Catherine is self-described as a romance-horror and like Portal is a puzzle game with a heavy sense of narrative.  The story is about Vincent's relationship with two women.  The first is Katherine, his long time girlfriend who wants the 32 year-old slacker to settle down and marry her.  At a lunch date with Katherine, Vincent watches half-awake as she taps her ice-blue nails against the table.  "Snap out of it!  Were you even listening?" she demands.  It's clear from the start that this is a far from perfect relationship.  Regardless, she wants to pin her man down.

The second woman in Vincent's life is the title character Catherine (that's right this one's with a C).  Vincent finds her in his bed one morning, the result of an affair--one that he has no memory of whatsoever.  What's worse is it keeps happening night after night and not once can Vincent recall how she got there.  Catherine is an enigma.

Katherine with a K.  The K is for kontrol-freak.

 Gameplay in Catherine is split between hanging out in a bar with Vincent and his friends  and The Nightmare puzzle stages.  Time spent at The Stray Sheep bar is mostly mundane. The player can talk with fellow patrons, check out dirty pics on Vincent's phone sent from Catherine, and order drinks--which provides trivia on the beverage and will lead the player to learn waaaay more about alcohol than they ever imagined possible.

Then there are The Nightmare stages.  Ever worthy of their name not only for the creepy backgrounds with rusty chains and sharp objects reminiscent of a Saw movie, but the frenetic block pushing puzzle gameplay.  As you push blocks to climb up a tower, the ground collapses beneath the player.  It's a gameplay style that says, "Be careful and cautions and...HURRY UP!" all at once.

What's worse is the end of each Nightmare segment contains a boss chasing poor Vincent up the tower.  Each boss, referred to as "the killer", is a dark reflection of something in Vincent's personal life that he is unwilling to confront in the real world.


According to psychologist Carl Jung, dreams are a playground for universal symbols--ones that all minds can understand.  "Jung believed the human psyche exists in three parts: the ego (the conscious mind), the personal unconscious and the collective unconscious."

Vincent isn't alone in the nightmare phase.  Others appear in this dreamers' realm, all male, taking on the appearance of bipedal sheep.  Not to give too much away but let's just say all these men have something in common--these sheep are being "led astray" from the women in their lives.  None see themselves as a sheep, yet they see all the other men as so.  A gathering of the collective unconscious of unfaithful men.  Each being chased night after night by what Jung would call The Shadow.  If the sheep-men fail the climb in the dream....the die in real life.

Ah!  I feel Jung again!  Source

For Vincent The Shadow has many forms.  One level's boss/killer has a large pair of  hands, one of which is holding a giant fork. The fingers sport the cold, blue, painted nails of Katherine.  In another he is pursued by a monster clearly inspired by the other Catherine.  Called the Immoral Beast, the creature threatens to eat the protagonist with a gaping dentata that would make Jung's wannabe mentor, Sigmund Freud, a proud father indeed. 

Also worth noting Catherine has a unique morality system that goes beyond the typical good and evil choices of most video games.  The arrow tilts between blue and red but it's not a choice of good or bad--it's a life of freedom vs. a life of control.  Which Catherine/Katherine will you choose?