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| House Koopa is coming for The Iron Throne. Source |
The premise is basic. Bowser a.k.a King Koopa a.k.a. Dennis Hopper of the Super Mario Bros. franchise squeezes his impossibly huge body down the wrong green pipe one day and finds himself in the awesomely harsh fantasy world of A Song of Ice and Fire--better known by it's television name Game of Thrones. Written by professional sadist George R.R. Martin everything about the land of Westeros brutally subverts what we've come to expect from a fantasy novel. It's less elves, fairies, and hidden treasures and more political scheming, backstabbing, and incest--lots and lots of incest.
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| "I will take what is mine with fire and bomb-ombs!" |
Scenario #1: Bowser starts off with a day in Braavos. I'll give him a little entourage to travel with let's say a couple of Hammer Bros. Not an army, but a nice little posse to watch Bowser's back as the streets of Braavos would be dangerous at night.
Too bad for him the Braavosi are a sword loving people so Bowser loses the Hammer Bros. from the get go. A Braavosi merchant watching the unusual trio pass by from his boat shouts, "Hey you two with the hammers want to be blacksmiths on my boat shop here? We'll make and sell weapons right here on my boat! I'll pay you in silver and boat-whores!" Realizing their current master Bowser pays them in...nothing, silver and boat-whores sound major appealing. The Bros. take off leaving King Koopa defenseless. Not a very bro move, but hey.
Suddenly Bowser comes to a frightening realization. Braavos you see is not one island but many. Canals and channels wrap around the cities, folks travel by boat shouting and trading with each other. King Koopa is in a land that might as well be medieval Venice, the origin point of his nemesis Super Mario. Worse yet Braaovsi males tend to be mustachio dudes who love to challenge one another to duels. One look at them and the turtle king will have flashbacks to all the embarrassing defeats he had to an Italian plumber. It's only a matter of time before a guy who looks like Mario comes along, takes offense to his reptilian appearance, and puts a blade in his eye. There are parts not far from Braavos where the screams of a giant horned river turtle are deemed a divine blessing. In this case it'll be the sound of a lone king dying.
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| Imagine a city full of Syrio Forels. Bowser is screwed. Source |
Game Over Bowser.
Scenario #2: Bowser sets his sights high and decides he's going to take King's Landing. A powerful and populated city like this is going to take an army to siege it. So we'll give Bowser that massive army. We're talking Goombas, Koopas, those blue wizards guys, and of course bomb-ombs, numbering in the thousands. Here The King of all Koopas has managed to capture himself some female royalty as a Bowser is wont to do--only he made a huge mistake. The woman he kidnapped is no princess but a queen--Queen Cersei Lannister to be exact. Mario won't be coming to save her--that will be up to her twin brother/lover Jamie Lannister.
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| Did I mention Jamie's absolutely mental with that damn sword? Source |
The fields run red with blood, turtle shells, and the broken glasses of those blue wizard guys as the crimson red, lion-crested banners of the richest family in Westeros, the Lannisters, clash with Bowser & co. Bomb-ombs are blowing themselves up on Bowser's side, as the Lannisters have alchemist throwing jars of green wildfire on their end. Archer's shoot winged Goombas out of the sky while Koopas retreat in their shells in confusion. Things go from bad to worse for Bowser when Jamie Lannister, on horseback, gets close enough to him to shout,
"Unhand the queen and accept my challenge to single combat!" King Koopa drops Cercei and responds with,
"BWAHAHAHA!" because 1. He's not a very well developed character and 2. He has no idea he's about to mess with the greatest swordsman in Westeros. If a rotund plumber can give him a run for his gold coin, then Jamie Lannister will make turtle soup out of him. Side stepping a flame attack or two, Jamie slips in close enough to stick his blade right through the reptile's scaly chin. Bowser falls backward, moves his bowels, and dies. A Song of Ice and Fire must always remind us, everybody poops.
Game Over Bowser
Scenario #3:
700 hundred feet high, Bowser finds himself on top of The Wall, an incredible, icy structure built to keep all that is evil, frightening, and monstrous on the other side, away from the good folks of Westeros. The Wall is further guarded by The Brothers of the Nights Watch who loyally patrol the harsh winter land for the reward of never getting to have sex (it's complicated). One of the most noble--Jon Snow--bastard of House Stark--also noble--finds himself facing down King Koopa, carefully balancing himself as to not fall off The Wall. Ice melts under the scaled behemoth's flame breath causing the normally nimble Jon Snow to slip. Snow, fallen but ever vigilante holds forth his sword Longclaw.
With chilled breath so thick it rivals Bowser's flames he shouts "I don't know how you climbed this wall or whether you are a Grumpkin or Snark, but I will let you go no further!"
Most unfortunate Jon did not bring along with him his powerful direwolf companion Ghost. It looks like Bowser has this fight...until he decides to finish his opponent with that dumbass down-B attack from Super Smash Bros. He misses Jon Snow by a foot and ends up falling 700 feet to his death, because that's what that attack is good for.
Game Over Bowser
In Conclusion: Bowser is too cartoonish and silly to survive the scary world of Game of Thrones. His best bet would be to travel to The Free Cities, seek Daenrys Targaryen, Mother of all Dragon, and pledge fealty. He is a ginger-turtle-dragon after all and I'm sure she'd love to have one of those at her side. Or better yet he could stay in Westeros. All he has to do is rock that cat upgrade from Super Mario 3D World and beg the lion-loving-Lannisters to be their mascot.
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| "The Lannisters let me poop inside! In a golden pot too!" Source |
